Tuesday is trash day.

Last Tuesday was a normal drag the trash out to the curb kind of day. I lovingly placed my container at the side of the curb never thinking this would be the last time my hands would embrace its greasy handles.

I returned home from work to discover my trash container was gone.

Poof!

Just gone.

I looked around the cul-de-sac, called out for it, checked behind the house, interrogated the children, but nothing.

I think it was the diapers. I don’t blame it for running away.

This morning I decided to check with the city on how I should go about getting a new trash can. The garage was starting to look and smell like the inner city and trash day was soon approaching, and I needed a plan.

I explained my situation to the lady on the other end of the line and I was told I needed to call the police and report it stolen.

What?!

I explained to them I didn’t think it was stolen, I was all but certain the truck took it, and was concerned about filling a false police report.  “This happens all the time, this is just our procedure”. I asked how they arrived at this procedure, and suggested the trash collector simply leave a note explaining that the can slipped out of the jaws of death and a new can would be on its way.

She told me it could take up to two weeks to get a new can.

I sat there for a second thinking about placing soiled diapers in my garage for the next two weeks, and thanked God it was winter.

There is now an APB out for my wayward trash can. I can’t wait to read about this in the paper; “Police responded to the one thousand block of Main Street on the report of a stolen trash can. A despondent citizen was found frantically searching nearby houses, Diaper Genie in tow, desperately crying out for help.”

I wonder if I should give them a photo of the suspect?

I think it was an inside job.

Will go down as one of my best ever.

Love:

Hope:

Peace:

And joy:

To my devoted readers, all dozen of you, I pray you have a Merry Christmas surrounded by those you love. Thank you for sharing in my life, I can’t imagine what you find so interesting in me, but it feeds my ego, so thank you for clicking on me. That sounds weird. Thank you for viewing me. Hmm. Thank you.

To my friends and family that I haven’t seen in far too long, I love and miss you and pray that this year our paths will cross. I know we moved far away and we will try and plan a trip this year but the roads go both ways. Incidentally, it is 65 degrees today for all you Great White Northerners, we have room, it is sunny, that is all.

To my beautiful wife and three amazing children, you are more than I ever hoped or dreamed, and I am proud to be your husband and father. Thanks for enduring the week of detox, and the years of detox like behavior. I hope I sucked less this year, I am trying really hard to be what you deserve, but some days I am just a broken boy from Brainerd. Not that there is anything wrong with that, just sayin’.

To my government that seems hell bent on destroying everything our forefathers died to establish, please stop. Seriously, you are freaking us out, so stop thinking you can do better and admit you are clueless and let the people fix the mess you made. This is not rocket science, your job is to keep us free and the primary thing to keep us free from is YOU!

To my church family, that I pray never reads this blog, it is a pleasure serving you each week but could you do me a favor and smile once in a while? I promise to be a better guitar player so you won’t cringe if you promise to sing. I don’t even care if it is out of tune, seeing as how I treat you to that, I figure we will be even.

To my Father in heaven, I love you. I may be weak and delusional in the eyes of many, but I don’t care. You are more real to me lately than I can ever remember. Sorry I forget to tell you that most days but you know how I am. Help me to figure out what you want for me this year because if I have to spend another year in timeout, I may go completely nuts. Oh, and please remind me why I am in timeout in the first place because it seems I have forgot and I would rather not remember the next time I pass around the mountain.

And to the rest of the world:

Peace on Earth,

David

but I have some freakishly good looking spawn.

I think I am average looking, my wife is certainly above average, but our children are definitely on the pretty side. Both of them could be models, and if there is a camera around, it will absolutely love them.

Look at that boy! Since he is home-schooled, it is fun for me to take him into the stores around here and watch the teenage girls around him. He knows what is going on, and thankfully he doesn’t prey on their emotions, because seriously, this kid is hot.

And this beauty. Seems like everyday she gets more gorgeous and self confident and sweet. There are a few boys at church that try really hard to get her attention. It makes me laugh, she also knows what is up, and for the most part is kind to them. I encourage her to be unkind to the boys I see at church, I know what they want, especially at fourteen. Any boy that wants a shot at this girl will have to win her from her Daddy first. It can be done, but will require great courage, impeccable character, and a loving heart, qualities that are woefully lacking in most boys today.

Looks are one thing, and my kids have looks, but personality and character is where it is at. They both excel in this area as well. They are on my worship team at church, volunteer their time, serve where they can, respect authority, and treat kids younger with love. They are not perfect, but they are right on track to being the best people they can be.

Daddy could not be more proud of you both, you have set the bar very high for this one.

Now go clean up your room, the Diva wants a pretty house.