O Holy Night

And the worst.

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Could be fun this time around.

Or creepy.

I always wanted an international pen pal, and look what was in my email inbox this morning.

Hello. Please do not be surprised this message is not spam mailing.         
You probably will be very surprised that I write you a letter. But          
yesterday, I was surprised, too, when my e-mail address, came a             
letter, which said about love, about the feelings among people. The         
main motto of this letter was the phrase «Looking for love and you          
will be happy». I liked the letter. In the list of e-mail address, I        
saw your e-mail and decided to write to you. Perhaps you are looking        
for love? Maybe this letter – the fate? I do not know how the man who       
sent me the letter, hear my personal e-mail. But I think it is not          
important. The most important thing is that now I can write you a           
letter. You know, I want you to learn more. But first, I want to tell       
a little about me. My name is Sona. I’m from Armenia. I am 27 years         
old. I have never been married and have no children. I am pretty,           
quiet, kind and sociable girl. I would be interested to talk with you       
and know you closer. I compose their communication with the primary         
objective – creating serious relationships. Relations without               
deception, without any games. I want to find this man who can love and      
respect me. I hope that you just want to find their love? I believe in      
romantic relationships, appearance and age is not the most important        
thing. The most important thing is that people know how to love and         
respect on this! I have different hobbies and interests, among them –       
sports, cooking, reading, music. Of particular interest to me a matter      
of housekeeping, cleaning the house. I like to experiment in the            
kitchen. I love animals. I am leading a healthy lifestyle. I do not         
smoke nor drink alcohol. My new friend, can you tell me about you? I        
want you to learn more. The following letters, I will tell you about        
me, in more detail. 

I give you my e-mail address:  shabsson@gmail.com

Of course, I will send you a lot of my photos, of whom you know my          
life. In my photo showing all the moments of my life – joy, muse, and       
even in some sad moments. I eagerly await your response will be. I          
really want you to learn more. Please do not forget about me. Your new      
friend from Armenia, Sona.                                                  

And honestly, how COULD I forget about my new friend from Armenia, Sona?

Just who does she think I am, some heartless cynical American that will take her genuine feelings of affection for me based on my email address and make fun of her on the internet?

I tell no lies, I really want me to learn more as well and I eagerly await my response will be, muchly.

BFF – Davie.

Time to gather with friends and family at local concerts, with local talent, and remember why you serve wine at the after party. Lots of wine at the after party.

Play “O Holy Night”

You are like my ziplock sandwich bag holding my peanut butter sandwich. Just don’t put oranges in another ziplock sandwich bag in a confined space becuase even though ziplock corp. claims the bags are airtight, it is impossible to miss the tangy acidic bite of orange bread and orange laced Jiff. Or Peter Pan. Or that huge tub you get when you are on welfare.

You are my brain, and I have learned to love you. Mostly because you control my emotions, so you pretty much force me to love you, you sick Stockholm Syndrome lover you.

I hate you brain. I take that back, I didn’t mean for my fingers to do that, sorry. jerk.

No, no, I meant jerk, like the rub you put on beef.

I love you brain.

Where would I be without you?

Probably in West Virginia, but I kid, I kid!

I would most likely be in North Dakota actually, because you can roam around there without a brain and be pretty much okay unless you run into Bison.

Well, not actually “run into them”, that would be weird, seeing as how they are much faster and would most likely not just stand there waiting for your drooling face to slap them in the flank.

You are my brain.

You are big an gray and keep me awake at night moving memories and making things appear that I have never seen.

You are my brain and I am scared of you.

Really, horribly, peeing my pants scared of you.

Big guy.

Filler of head.

Backer of eyes.

Producer of ear wax.

Skull candy.

You are my brain.

I am glad we had this talk.

1. If you have five dollars and Chuck Norris has five dollars, Chuck Norris has more money than you.
2. There is no ‘ctrl’ button on Chuck Norris’s computer. Chuck Norris is always in control.
3. Apple pays Chuck Norris 99 cents every time he listens to a song.
4. Chuck Norris can sneeze with his eyes open.
5. Chuck Norris can eat just one Lay’s potato chip.
6. Chuck Norris is suing Myspace for taking the name of what he calls everything around you.
7. Chuck Norris destroyed the periodic table, because he only recognizes the element of surprise.
8. Chuck Norris can kill two stones with one bird.
9. When the Boogeyman goes to sleep every night, he checks his closet for Chuck Norris.
10. Chuck Norris doesn’t read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants.
11. There is no theory of evolution. Just a list of creatures Chuck Norris has allowed to live.
12. Outer space exists because it’s afraid to be on the same planet with Chuck Norris.
13. Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.
14. Chuck Norris is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are trademarked names for his left and right legs.
15. Chuck Norris is the reason why Waldo is hiding.
16. Chuck Norris counted to infinity – twice.
17. There is no chin behind Chuck Norris’ beard. There is only another fist.
18. When Chuck Norris does a pushup, he isn’t lifting himself up, he’s pushing the Earth down.
19. Chuck Norris is so fast, he can run around the world and punch himself in the back of the head.
20. Chuck Norris’ hand is the only hand that can beat a Royal Flush.
21. Chuck Norris can lead a horse to water AND make it drink.
22. Chuck Norris doesn’t wear a watch, HE decides what time it is.
23. Chuck Norris can slam a revolving door.
24. Chuck Norris does not get frostbite. Chuck Norris bites frost
25. Remember the Soviet Union? They decided to quit after watching a DeltaForce marathon on Satellite TV.
26. Contrary to popular belief, America is not a democracy, it is a Chucktatorship.

If it wasn’t for the caffeine content, I wouldn’t even bother with it.

Because of my coffee retardation I rarely make coffee at home opting instead for whatever 7-11 or WaWa is serving. For some reason paying for coffee makes it taste less like burnt cow pie.

Then again:

My son spied this coffee shop near our home the other day and it sums up my opinion of coffee perfectly. We had a fun time pretending we were customers taking our first sip exclaiming: “This coffee tastes like ass!” “This is the worst coffee I have ever tasted!” to which we fantasized our server would simply point to the bright neon sign – “We did warn you”.

Since I will never set foot into that coffee shop, I imagine their filters are made of underwear, the walls are adorned with toilet paper napkins on a roll, and the bar stools are topped with toilet seats.

I get the play on words and the cute little burro with his sack of beans but I ain’t buyin it. I take their word for it – they serve some bad ass coffee.